


Begin Again

by randers1



Category: Chicago PD (TV), Upstead - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randers1/pseuds/randers1
Summary: Hailey returns from New York. Bad at summaries, sorry!
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 24
Kudos: 127





	1. Begin Again--chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one shot but it grew teeth and length so will be a mini series. Takes places after season 7.
> 
> Dick Wolf owns them all.

The announcement had been made and Hailey had just been about to power down her phone when it alerted her to a new email. She opened it reflexively and came face to text with an email from Voight. She hadn’t spoken to her boss in any capacity since leaving his office three and a half weeks ago when he’d signed her up as a loan out officer to the FBI office in New York City, and she’d started the next day.

_Hank Voight_

_To: Hailey Upton_

_2:26pm_

_My office. 6:30_

She tried not to think about the email for the majority of the two hour and twenty minute flight back to Chicago. No information could be gleaned from it except for the time, location and person who sent it. Her mind spent the time basically spinning empty so she tried to fill it with what had happened that morning.

All she’d been told after her exit interview earlier in the day was that Sergeant Voight would be in contact with her about returning to work. The small, slightly condescending smile SAC Castille had given her confirmed Hailey’s suspicion that the two had already been in touch. She’d given it her all with the feds but she was sure there were areas they were observing where Hailey couldn’t prep, couldn’t show achievement. Those were always the areas she hated being judged on. The mild backup plan had presented itself at the end of the meeting when her supervisor gave her her card. “If you’re ever up for a move, I can speak with authority in saying that there would be a place for you on my team.” Hailey had taken the card with a smile and a thank you while her mind and heart hoped that she wouldn’t have to make that call.

She sighed now as she settled again in her seat, glancing around at the passengers who were already standing and ready to deplane as they waited at the gate. They chattered excitedly about being home, their visit, their touristy plans, while she, a true Chicagoan at heart, sat and questioned her place here. As much as she wanted to come home, to be home in Chicago, she was also incredibly nervous. Stepping off the plane and walking the jet-way would put her feet back on Chicago land officially. A place that she loved but wasn’t sure she belonged anymore. Not that she felt sure footed anywhere.

She allowed her seatmates to go ahead of her as well as the rows of people behind her. She was one of the last people off the plane and by the time she got to the baggage area her luggage had already been removed from the carousel and placed in a holding area.

Hailey had just grabbed the handle of her suitcase when she heard a voice behind her.

“Gotta say, you scared me there. Thought maybe you decided to stay.”

Hailey turned and her face brightened immediately, a grin plastered across her face. “ _Jay_!” Without thinking she took the step that was between them and hugged him hard. He was only a second behind her and wrapped his arms around her.

She pulled back, still smiling. “I didn’t know you’d be here!” If she had, instead of one the last she would have been one of the first off the plane.

“Well,” he half groaned, “Had to make sure you kept your part of the deal.”

“Deal?” she questioned as they began to walk, Hailey pulling the handle of her rolling suitcase behind her.

“Yep. You were coming back and I was treating you to deep dish.”

The memory of one of their morning phone calls clicked in to place. “Ohhhh, that deal.” She grinned, chuckling. “You make it sound like a trade. I love the idea of deep dish, you have no idea, but I wanted to come back.” She looked at him while they walked. “There was never any other option.

“Good to know,” Jay replied, as he smiled at her, catching her look.

“Yeah, except….” She drew out the last word, grimacing a bit. “Any chance we can reschedule? Voight wants me in his office in about an hour.”

“Ahh,” Jay replied. “That explains the early dismissal. Told us to and I quote, ‘leave the paperwork and enjoy the day.’ Whatever that means.”

They cleared the automatic doors that led outside and to Jay’s truck, parked in the No Parking zone. One of the benefits of driving a vehicle owned by the CPD. The wind played with Hailey’s hair and she inhaled deeply. “I missed this,” she mused, feeling it against her face and in her hair.

He took the luggage from her, unlocked the truck and placed it in the back of the cab. “Just the wind?” he asked, only partially teasing.

“Well, Chicago in general.” She said as she took her usual spot in the front seat as Jay walked around and got in to his. When he closed his door, and started the ignition she added, “And you.”

He gave her a long look. That was fodder for a talk they’d have later. “I’m glad you’re back,” he said with sincerity.

They drove in easy, comfortable silence, Hailey enjoying the familiar scenery and trying to get her bearings back, and Jay enjoying having her beside him again.

Jay had stood off to the side in the baggage area of the airport. Watching. Waiting.

When she hadn’t joined the throng of people from her flight who were showing up to grab their bags, his nerves kicked in. When they all left and she still hadn’t shown up, his stomach soured as he watched the unclaimed bags get moved to the holding area. The thoughts ( _fears_ if he was honest with himself) that he’d pushed away for weeks came storming forward now, unleashing their worries. Had she missed her flight? Accidentally? On purpose? Had she decided to stay? Was it better there? Without him? Had she found happiness with a new partner? A new team? A new guy? Why hadn’t she called, texted….

He’d been so preoccupied with the thoughts that he’d missed her entrance and only noticed the blonde with the high ponytail as she neared the unclaimed luggage area. His breath hitched as he recognized her, and it took every ounce of restraint he had not to run and grab her, hug her hard to him. 

And then he’d spoken to her. He hadn’t been kidding when he said he’d been scared. He just hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that. Thankfully she’d stepped right to him with that smile and when he felt her arms around him and her head on his chest all the worries disappeared.

Now, as he drove, he caught whiffs of her shampoo carried by the wind from her open window, and he could look to his right at any given moment and know she was there, sitting beside him. Somehow that knowledge made his heart both race and calm simultaneously. He’d missed her. A lot. Her absence bothered him, gnawed at him, in the field, in the bullpen, at Molly’s, even in his own apartment. He could function but the knowledge that he felt as though something was always missing was ever present. He’d expected some teasing from his team about it but was surprised at how minimal it was. Instead they were kind, checked in with him, always made sure he was covered. He had to change the direction of his thinking. He was getting too deep in to something he didn’t know for sure yet existed.

“Ok, here’s what I’m thinking,” he spoke suddenly, jolting Hailey from her gaze out the window. “You go meet with Voight, I’ll hang out here, and when you’re done we’ll go to Bartolis.”

The thought that Jay still wanted to be with her, despite how she’d left, despite what she’d told him, turned her cheeks a light shade of pink. They’d talked often while she was gone, by phone, facetime and text, in the ways where honesty and mild flirting were easiest. Now, being back and breathing the same air was both thrilling and terrifying, and she wasn’t quite sure where she stood or even how to stand. Just like how she felt about being back in Chicago. And about talking with Voight. She knew they were all right, she just wasn’t sure if she knew how to do it.

Besides. She wasn’t certain how this meeting was going to go.

“How ‘bout _this_ ,” she countered. “While I would _love_ to go to Bartolis--,”

He chanced a sideways look at her while he drove.

“I’m _serious---_ been dreaming about it since we talked…but how bout you grab a pizza from their carryout-- and beer--and we go back to my place. I can change,” She looked down at her black pants, top and jacket. “and then relax.” She looked at him hopefully. “And you can ply me with all the Chicago pizza I can eat.”

“That works,” Jay agreed with a nod and a smirk, not wanting to actually ask how many pizzas that might be.

They neared the exit that would take them to the 21st District. Jay was doing his best to keep the mood light. Voight hadn’t clued him in the meeting he had with Hailey but the team all knew that she was returning today. The tone of the bullpen rolled through various emotions throughout the day. Vanessa had recently started an undercover so was absent for it, but Kim, Kevin, Adam and he had gone through excitement, snippiness, moodiness, laziness, all at different times throughout the day and all in the name of Hailey coming back. There were a lot of looks at her desk, at Voight’s door and at Jay. None of them knew the whole story about why Hailey had left so abruptly nearly a month ago, but they were all keenly aware that there were missing pieces. Voight had briefed them on her status as a loan out officer to the feds the morning she failed to report to her desk, but to say they were shocked had been an understatement. Shocked and angry if your name was Jay Halstead. He’d gone in to talk to his boss, closing the door tightly behind him, but Voight had stayed true to his nature and not gone in to any detail, telling him if Hailey wanted to share the details with him he’d leave that to her. The only thing that he would say was that he hadn’t done it _to_ Hailey, he’d done it _for_ her. That hadn’t placated Jay. At all. And things were icy from him toward his boss until the night Hailey confessed what had gotten her moved.

It had been just over a week that she’d been gone, and they’d been texting after their respective long days had ended. Hailey still hadn’t offered any information on what prompted her to join the feds short term and on this night Jay was feeling particularly bold and asked her straight out what the hell had happened. She didn’t respond and Jay wondered if she was thinking or if she’d fallen asleep. But his phone rang and it was a quiet voiced Hailey who told him what she’d done with Gael, and in return what Voight had done about it. Jay had listened, incredulous and yet somehow sad but not surprised. He’d seen her changing, heard her comments, watched her hardening. He was sad for her, disappointed that he hadn’t been there, even if he knew she wouldn’t have wanted him to be, may not have let him.

His truck idled outside of the vehicle bay of the 21st. The clock on the dashboard read 6:26.

“You’re gonna be fine,” Jay assured in a quiet voice.

She didn’t speak but gave a small, hopeful smile.

“Meet you back out here when you’re done.”

Hailey nodded slightly before exiting, then watched his tail lights as they exited the lot and disappeared around a corner. She took the back way up to Intelligence and was relieved to see that her palm scan and entry code still worked. 

The bullpen was quiet with no one around as she gingerly walked through it. Seeing her desk still butted up against Jay’s made tears threaten but she’d exhaled and willed them away by the time she appeared in Voight’s doorway.

He looked up as he noticed her and nodded, leaning back in his chair.

“Welcome back,” he told her. “Ready to do this?”

Hailey was trying to calm her heart as it raced in her chest and took a moment to take and exhale a breath. She nodded and walked in, taking a seat in the chair in front of his desk. “Do I have a choice?” she murmured. The small smirk she gave while saying it was met by Voight’s own.

He was glad to see she still had some fight in her. He got right to it. “I could’ve mandated that you meet with a department psychiatrist before coming back,” Hank informed her.

 _Jesus_ Hailey groaned internally as he continued.

“But I don’t think that’s necessary here.” He gestured with a wave of his hand. “No need to create an unnecessary paper trail. But I _do_ want to know about your work with SAC Castille and her team.”

Hailey was slightly confused. She knew he’d received updates, emails and memos about her work performance. Just that morning she’d sat through her exit interview and debriefing meetings, received feedback from various reports written from her temporary team members and supervisors. She’d seen the _cc: Hank Voight_ stamped at the bottom of each page, so what did he want from her?

“I’m not exactly sure what you want me to say.”

“Okay,” he swiveled his chair so he was looking straight on at her, and pulled a file over so that it was in front of him. He opened it, pulled a paper, and scanned it as he spoke. “Why don’t you tell me about this.” Voight’s eyebrows quirked up as he looked from the paper to her. “Says here you threatened to break the arm of a Frank Pritchard… someone you questioned in relation to a case?”

Hailey clucked her tongue and hoped she kept her eye roll mild. “I did do that,” she admitted, haltingly. “That guy was a racist asshole.” She bit her lower lip a bit and shook her head. “He didn’t file a complaint. Nothing came of it.”

“But you did threaten him.”

She sighed, feeling a touch of defeat. “Yeah. I did.” she replied.

Voight was quiet for a moment as he went back to scanning the paper. “Your partner says you had his back, saved his life on more than one occasion. Not surprising.” he quipped at the end.

That earned the trifecta-- a slight huff, an eye roll and a smirk from her. She’d told OA so many times that she’d never saved his life, had just done what partners do; she had his back, watched his six, and covered his ass. Everything she’d learned from working with Jay. “He’s overly generous with the gratitude but—yeah, we had a few moments.”

“Uh huh,” Voight said, looking straight at her with a look she could never read. He went back to the file and pulled another paper. “This one looks like it was pretty rough. Big shot running girls, dope, and guns. Killed the families of anyone he thought was working against him.”

Hailey averted her eyes. That had been particularly difficult to navigate through, a personal minefield. “Yeah,” she replied, her voice quiet.

“You busted him,” he said, his voice somber.

Hailey’s tongue found a spot on the inside of her cheek while she tried to filter through the memories of that case. “Yeah…”

He wanted more than that so she inhaled and gave an abbreviated summary. She knew he had the report right in front of him, what he wanted was to hear about how she’d done with it.

“Carlos Morales. Gina Baptiste was his girlfriend and we used her as the connect. I was under short term as a mid-level member of an armed robbery group. She was desperate for any sort of friendship so it was easy to work her,” Her eyebrows quirked up a bit at the sad admission. “A good enough reason Morales kept such a tight grip around her.” She swallowed before beginning. “She was eager to talk especially after a few drinks but she didn’t have a lot of information to offer. Carlos wasn’t stupid--he kept her in the dark knowing she’d probably talk to anyone about anything but--”

“A friend wasn’t all that she wanted,” Voight guided.

She met his eyes. “No. It only took a few nights at the bar before she started asking. Wanted to know if I knew anyone who could do some wet work. She wanted to leave him but was scared for her family. Rightfully so. She knew what could happen—what _would_ happen.” Hailey took a breath.

“She asked you to do it, to kill Morales.” He leaned back in his chair and looked at her expectantly.

Hailey waited a few seconds before nodding. “Yeah.” She knew she was repeating what was already typed up in the papers in front of him. He wanted what happened in between. She had to get there. “It was tempting,” she admitted, slowly. “Seeing what he had done to completely innocent people. Kids, grandparents—babies. All to keep anyone from challenging him, punish anyone who made an attempt. Gina gave me the access codes to the house, the meetings she knew Carlos had coming up…” she trailed off for a moment, her eyes going distant before murmuring, “it would have been so easy.”

When she didn’t speak again, Hank called her back.

“Hailey.” No response. She was lost in the memory, in the feeling of wanting to serve justice swiftly. She knew the when, the where, had an idea for the how, and the plan had started to track relatively easily. But there’d been something new along with it. Something she couldn’t shake. A phone call had taken the edge off, lessened the itch. It had been easier for to sleep, to go in the next morning, to do her job that day. She’d been able to talk to someone who made it possible for her to move forward. “ ** _Hailey_**.”

It wasn’t immediate but she blinked a few times then was back with him. “We set up the bust for one of the meetings she gave us. Waited for the money and product to change hands and got him. Federal charges. Gina was taken in for solicitation to commit murder but Castille was trying to write her a deal. Morales was looking at multiple life sentences.”

Voight nodded. She’d stayed in the lines. A glimmer of pride, of hope, sparked deep in him, in an area that he’d thought might stay dark. But their meeting wasn’t quite done. He had one more thing to go over with her.

“The SAC wrote in her report that one of their CI’s heard a rumor about a Chicago cop running with the feds. Word on the street was that this cop might be open to being… ‘flexible’…” he left the word hanging and didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t need to.

Hailey let out a deep sigh and rubbed her now moist palms against her pants, feeling sick. Again. It was the same feeling she’d gotten when OA had gently brought the rumor to her attention during her second week in New York. Though to be fair she’d heard a few whispers from her Chicago CIs with connections in New York a few days before that. Word traveled fast on the street, even when those streets were in different cities in different states. The probability was high that Rojas’ friend Luis had let something slip about Hailey’s actions while waiting for his trial date.

“I take it this isn’t news to you.” He put the paper down and closed the file.

“I heard about it,” she affirmed.

“Hailey. This is what I was talking about. Once you start down this road, it’s not just you walking on it. Part of it gets paved for you. People get dragged on.”

“I get it,” she nodded. Her word, her motivations, her work couldn’t be compromised. There’d be no trust in her, not from her colleagues, not from her CI’s, from no one. Anyone could say anything and there was a greater chance of believability. People around her would be questioned, could be guilty by association. She didn’t want that for them.

“I hope so,” he nodded, leaning forward. “I really hope you do.” He stood and came around to the front of the desk, perching on the corner. “We need you on this team, Hailey. I want you on it. But it’s gotta be the right Hailey, I can’t afford the other one.” Personally or professionally, but Hank didn’t give voice to that.

She locked eyes with him as his words landed. Voight had sent her to review working within lines, but she also suspected, to see if she could stand on her own two feet again. To work as only herself. It sounded easy but living it these last few weeks in New York was more difficult. She’d definitely stumbled but ultimately, with some help, had been able to finish strong.

His tone was kind as he continued. “Hailey, you’ve gotta be you. Especially when it’s hard, when it’s messy. Years ago I brought you in to this unit after seeing you work, and your skills were impressive,” he acknowledged. “but I brought you in because of what I saw in _you_. Doing what you think I would, you think it allows you do things you normally wouldn’t but I can tell you where it’s gonna lead—you’re gonna hate me” his mouth twitched. “And sure, you can blame me for the things you do but you’re still the one who’s gonna get caught. Because you will.” He nodded in emphasis. “And there are consequences, more than you can imagine. And you’re gonna be the one to pay.” He paused. “I don’t want that for you. I don’t think you want that for you. Besides, you’re too strong to be someone else’s shadow.”

“Is that what you think?” she stated more than asked.

“I know it,” he crossed his arms across his chest. “Lean in to us. Lean in to your friends, your partner---lean in to Jay. We can help when you need it.”

She looked away, using her thumb to wipe a runaway tear.

He stepped away from the desk so he was in front her, a feeling of déjà vu brewed as they returned to the same position they’d been in the last time she’d been in this seat, in this office.

“Being intelligence Hailey, it’s an elite unit but it doesn’t make you unbreakable. Look around,” he gestured toward the bullpen. “Everyone out there has fallen, and we’ve all been there to help get back up. You’re included in that. You’ve helped everyone out there. Let them help you when you need it.”

She didn’t say anything as she listened, processing what he was saying when he was done.

“What I need to know now is where your head is, if you’re ready to come back.”

Hailey’s head fell as her eyes met the floor. She thought about how she got here-- Voight bringing her in to work the Spann case, her first days in the bullpen, becoming partners with Jay and how they’d grown together, to Cameron and Darius, and then Rojas and Luis, ending with Gael, and then back in this office when Voight sent her away. This place, these people, had given her so much already. She knew there was no way she could ever walk away.

“I’m here Sarge. This is where I want to be,” she admitted.

“And it’s _you_ who’d be here.” Voight reiterated.

Hailey’s mouth twitched. “Yeah,” she agreed, softly. “Me. Just…..me.”

“That’s all we want,” he smiled and uncrossed his arms. Hailey stood up and then in to the hug he offered. She sighed quietly as she felt warmth in her heart.

“And Hailey?” he said over her shoulder. “I’m no shrink. But you might want to talk to somebody.”

She smiled wanly. “Yeah. Maybe,” she whispered, stepping back, nodding.

“Take tomorrow to settle back. I’ve got you on for Friday morning at 10.”

She nodded then glanced over her shoulder toward the bullpen before asking, “Who--?” she was thinking of how to ask what she wanted to know when her boss read her mind.

“You’re still partnered with Halstead.” He assured her knowingly. He’d thought about switching it up but ultimately decided she needed the strong foundation she’d built with him. Especially now. “Don’t be late.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Jay was waiting in the idling truck. He hadn’t been there long when he saw the door open and Hailey walk out. She looked….happy. At ease. Calm. Things he hadn’t seen on her in a while.

She opened the door and slid in beside him unable to contain her smile.

“I take it things went well in there.”

“Yeah. They did,” she replied, quietly. “Tomorrow’s off and I’m back on Friday.”

“Surprising,” Jay mused as he pulled the truck in to the street. “That’s my schedule too.”

“Makes sense,” she turned to him in her seat. “Since we’re partnered up again.” She was trying and failing to swallow her grin.”

“I’m good with that,” Jay smirked.

“Me too.” She inhaled deeply and turned to peek in the backseat where 3 boxes sat, each with a deep dish inside. “Hard to find a partner who’ll buy you more than a slice of pizza.”.

“Don’t forget the beer,” he reminded her fast.

She laughed. “No, that’s a given.”

At her place she unlocked and opened the front door as Jay brought in the pizzas and beer while Hailey rolled in her suitcase. She flicked the lights on and sighed with content at the familiar sights.

Her jacket now hung by the door and she left the suitcase by it as well as she took the beer from Jay and they walked in to the kitchen.

“You sure Rojas lives here?” Jay asked as his eyes swept through the connecting rooms. He grabbed plates from the cabinet and put them on the island now between them.

Hailey cracked open a beer, looking around to see her place through Jay’s eyes. It was all hers. Not a thing of Rojas’ could be seen. Not a dish in the sink, nothing to say that more than one person lived here. “I’ve said the same,” she chuckled. “She’s fastidious. Says it has to do with all the moving around when she was a kid.”

“Fastidious,” Jay rolled the word around. “That’s a fancy word. It a fed word?” He teased.

She accepted the plated pizza slide and utensils he pushed toward her and rolled her eyes. “I know fancy words.” She defended, grinning. Then added, “I might’ve heard it used in New York.”

“Mm hmm,” Jay chuckled as he came around and sat beside her with his own plate and beer.

He held the can up and gave her a small, real smile. “Welcome back Hailey”

She raised hers up as well. “To partners” She returned his smile.

Jay mocked a pout, lowering his can for a second. “Hm, you toasting me or your letters guy?”

“My ‘letters guy’?” Hailey laughed. “OA?” She laughed more, shaking her head. “OA was great,” she told Jay simply. “You would’ve liked him. He’s good police. For a fed.” She tacked on. “But no, this toast is to us being partnered up again. To my _favorite_ partner.” She clarified with a playful tone.

“Your favorite partner? That’s better.” He chuckled, raising his can again.

“Oh you like that, do ya?” she teased as they clinked cans together.

“Much better,” He grinned.

They ate, drank and joked, the mood light and filled with happiness and ease. When they were done Hailey took the dishes to the sink while Jay was putting the pizza boxes in the refrigerator. “For the record,” he began, while moving the few things Vanessa had inside around to make room. “when you talk about ‘all the pizza you can eat’ that implies that you can eat a lot of pizza. You had like one slice.”

“One and a half. And it’s deep dish.” She emphasized. Her face showed confusion as she asked the next question. “How much did you _think_ I could eat?”

Jay closed the fridge door and put his hands up in surrender. “Oh, I’m so not touching that.” he laughed.

Hailey rolled her eyes and shot him a look. “All right, well you good down here while I go change?”

“I’m sure I can figure something out.” They both knew he was going to head for the tv and find a hockey game or something to pass the time.

Hailey watched him, lost in the thought of how…domestic--this evening was seeming, how easy. She blinked a few times before realizing how quiet it was, how Jay was watching her the same she was watching him. Her heart skipped and her stomach flipped. She inhaled sharply and dragged her eyes away from him.

“Ok then, back down in a few. Save me a beer.”

The hot shower had been the final piece of the puzzle in feeling like she was really and truly home. Hailey had toweled off and changed in to sweats and a t-shirt. ‘The Upton Special’ as Rojas sometimes called it. Vanessa. As much as she missed her energy, right now she was grateful for the calm hum of the house, and the solid warmth of her partner downstairs waiting for her. Now that she had a minute, she sat on the edge of her bed and allowed herself to realize how much he meant to her, how he’d been there for her, even long distance, to help her stay on the delicate line she’d nearly fallen off of while in New York.

It had been late when she’d met with Gina, when she’d passed the access codes to the house and Carlos’ schedule to her on paper. No words for the COH she wore. Hailey was the only one with all of the information and as she’d held on to it, she thought about what she could do with it. She’d been tempted, so tempted to act. To just remove Carlos from the situation entirely, saving Gina and the girls he ran, stopping the sale of the guns, and the drugs he sold. It could be done.

But working in New York had made her thoughts about it unsharp, had dulled the clarity she’d had in Chicago when she knew exactly what to do and how to do it. Then, there had been no secondary voice questioning if it was the right thing to do, yet now there was. And the voice sounded too much like her partner. She’d tried to silence it, to reason with it, to ignore it, but all to no avail.

Maybe it was because of their conversation last week, the one where she’d shared with him the things she’d done, the things that had made her a loan-out officer with the feds in NYC, the things she wasn’t proud of but had still stubbornly argued her point of view with him about. The one where he’d stayed steadfast in her corner, not supporting what she’d done but still supporting her, making her swear that if she felt like ‘doing something incredibly stupid and self-sabotaging again’ that she’d call him first.

Hailey called up the contacts on her phone and pushed his name. The line trilled twice and she was already thinking of hanging up when his voice, thick with sleep, said her name.

“Hailey.”

She could picture him, rubbing his face and his eyes, peering at his clock, trying to tell the time, alert himself, wake up.“Yeah…Jay…,” she told him quietly. “I need to talk to you.”

This wasn’t a ‘let me tell you about my day’ call, he knew immediately. She sounded troubled, and afraid and uncertain. This was an ‘I’m about to fuck something up’ call. He sat up in his bed and turned on the small lamp at his bedside.

“What’re you thinking about?” He was awake now, waiting for her.

She opened her mouth slowly in New York, “First,” she began, not wanting to ask the question. But. “Are you-….Are you alone?”

Jay snorted as he glanced at the empty space beside him. “Hailey…..yeah.” This wasn’t the time to tell her he’d been alone at night for a long time now.

“Ok,” she breathed. “I’ve gotta know this stays between us,” she said cautiously.

“Of course.” When she didn’t begin though the potential enormity of what she’d done or what she was thinking of doing hit him .“But if this is something Voight could--”

She interrupted immediately. “I’m serious, Jay. If you want me to talk to you…”

“No, I do--,” he interjected, quietly. “I’m here. Talk to me.”

She relayed the confidential details of the case, what Gina was asking for, how she could help so many with one act. The whole time she spoke Jay remained silent, just listening to her.

When she’d unloaded her thoughts, her wants, Jay finally spoke. He couldn’t hold her hand and tiptoe around this. That’s not what she needed.

“Hailey, do you hear yourself? Talk around it all you want but you’re talking about _murder_.” He spoke as though it was so obvious, so clear. “You can’t do this Hailey. It’s not your place. You’re not a judge or jury. Your job is to gather the evidence, bust his ass and bring him in. That’s where you stop. Do you hear me? You _stop_. You’re not doing this, you’re _not_.”

She’d come up with reasons, arguments, some nearly rational he realized but they were based on emotion and a sense of deserved justice. This was never Hailey’s m.o.--She played by the rules and trusted her gut.

“Y’know…we’ve had a similar conversation before,” he reminded her as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“We have?”

“Yeah.” He remembered it vividly, the case and their conversation.

“Remind me.”

“After Matthew Garrett died. And the mother of the girl he murdered came to see me… you told me there were some people I couldn’t help, some wrongs I couldn’t right. That I had to be able to let that go.”

She nodded, now remembering them seated at a bar, trying to comfort him. “Mm, pretend the bad stuff doesn’t exist.” She mused.

“You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t exist. We both know it does, but I can help you get through it like you help me. Every single time, you help me.”

There was no response from her end and he worried that she really was on the cusp of doing something so uncharacteristically her.

“Please Hailey, please. You can’t do this. This isn’t the way. You’ve gotta trust me.” he said, feeling like he was begging. Rationality wasn’t working so it was all he had left.

She wasn’t sure if something inside her broke apart or snapped back together. But to hear the ask of her to trust him did something to do her. It was easy to do, like breathing. If Jay was asking her to trust him, to listen to him, even if she disagreed, she would do it. She had to. She’d called him because she wanted, needed, to hear his voice of reason, be reminded of his friendship. Needed the reminder that he was there for her and that she could trust him.

He wanted her to trust him, and just like that she did.

He saved her that night. She truly believed it.

And now, he was downstairs. Waiting for her. She needed to talk to him. To finally have the conversation she’d backed out of so many months ago. Tonight she’d tell him. Tell him he owned her heart.


	2. Begin Again--Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's back and going for broke. She tells Jay how she feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing related to Dick Wolf's world. FYI This isn't nsfw but it's not baby tame either.

Hailey made her way downstairs. Her hair was still damp and as she turned at the bottom of the step to look far in to the living room. She wiped at the moisture on her forehead as she moved forward. The back of her couch and Jay’s head to her as he watched a hockey game.

He smelled her before he saw her, the clean scent of someone fresh from a shower coming to him as he instinctively turned to look over his shoulder.

“Feel better?” he asked as she came around the couch.

“A million times.” she answered with a relieved smile, taking a seat not too close beside him.

“Poured you a drink.” Jay indicated the glass of amber liquid beside his on the coffee table.

“Thank you,” she breathed and reached for it. Nothing wrong with a shot of liquid courage, she told herself.

“Good game?” She brought the glass to her lips and sipped, feeling the sweet slight burn coat her throat. Jay was watching her. One of the odd looks that she never quite knew how to take but that made her stomach flip all the same.

“Hm?” Jay knew he had been caught staring. It wasn’t the first time, and he long ago stopped trying to pretend he wasn’t. She looked tired but more whole than he’d seen her in a long time, fresh faced, and innately beautiful. “Oh,” he looked to the screen as they showed a replay of the point just made. “No, Hawks are down 3-1.” His mouth twitched as he took a sip from his own glass.

Hailey ran a quick hand through her hair. “Well, that might be a good thing,” she muttered as she reached for and took the remote from beside him.

“Hey,” he was surprised by her taking it and then using it to turn the television off. “What’s up?”

The room was now quiet and Hailey was taken back to the hospital the day Jay was discharged. She was going to tell him then how she felt but didn’t when she saw how willing he was to go right back to the situation that caused his hospital admission in the first place. Her heart couldn’t take that. She fast forwarded through that part of the memory and stopped when she landed on his face, as he looked at her so expectantly she almost wondered if he knew what she’d been about to say, wanted her to say it. The look he gave her now was almost exactly the same.

“Oof, this is always so much easier in my head.” Hailey tilted her head at him, and shot him a quick smile, trying to tell him she knew she was making this awkward right now and was sorry for it. “There’s something I do want to tell you.” She swallowed hard.

Even if the room hadn’t gone quiet with the tv off, everything surrounding Jay felt like it had been frozen and muted. Everything except for Hailey in front of him. He turned a bit more to face her better. He returned her smile as he spoke quietly. “Okay…”

She took a breath and exhaled sharply. “Okay,” she repeated, nodding. “So—the first time I tried to talk to you about this was after you’d been shot. D’you remember that?”

“Which time?” he tried to joke.

“ _Not_ funny,” she told him but her smile defied her serious tone. “When you were in the hospital.”

“No, I know. I remember.” His face was solemn now. “But whatever you were gonna say that day, you didn’t.”

She shook her head. “No, I didn’t---I know. I wanted to but, it wasn’t the right time. Hell, I don’t know if this is either.” She took another deep breath and shrugged. “But maybe there just really isn’t one...” she swallowed hard and rubbed at her forehead. She tilted her head again at him and smiled again, this time in hopeful explanation. “This is gonna take a minute….When you were shot back then. And we weren’t hearing anything good…I had one of those moments that people talk about--where everything that’s important to you comes in to focus. And---and I wanted to talk to you about it but I didn’t.” she breathed and chuckled a bit despite the seriousness of her eyes. Her words were coming out in fragments, haltingly, but at least they were coming out without her getting emotional. “I tried—really hard, to forget about it. But. I was never really, fully successful with that.” Another pause, another blown out breath. “And—and then I was in New York. And. And being away from here…from you… made me realize… Really realize…how important you are to me, Jay.” She let out a breath, feeling like she was on the right track while he just continued to watch her and listen.

She was searching for what to say next as her mouth remained open but nothing came out. Jay looked like he was about to say something, something that Hailey couldn’t hear just yet. She had to get this out. “And please don’t say it’s because you’re my partner.” She couldn’t brave anymore eye contact. She needed a break from it in order to continue. She looked down instead at the six inches of couch cushion that was between them. “Because I’ve told myself that more times than I can count. And I’m almost sick of saying it, of hearing it.”

“But somewhere along the way, your being in my life became the most important thing to me, and then—you were my best friend,” she offered another smile. “And for me, that was a pretty big thing. My—my personal life has always been kind of quiet, y’ know. Kept it empty for the most part. But you became the one I trusted, full-out….” A memory sparked in her brain and she met his eyes again. “blindly. You’re the one I can talk to about…everything.” She raised a shoulder. “work, life, I’ve told you things I’ve never told anyone…”

The look she gave him, the vulnerability she was showing had Jay wanting to interrupt her a hundred times now. But where she was going, what she was sharing with him, he understood that it was too important. And he wanted to hear it all.

Hailey was at the finish line. So far she hadn’t cracked, hadn’t fallen, hadn’t backed out. But she hadn’t gotten to the end yet. She licked her lips and went for it. “I really, I _don’t_ want this to change what we have, Jay. It’s too special to me. But I can’t keep this in anymore either. Especially if we’re gonna work together again.” She nodded, hoping he was understanding, and gave him an imploring look.

Jay took advantage of the pause, nodded as he looked at her, and gingerly moved a hand to take one of hers. The feeling of her skin on his, his fingers intertwining with hers, was electricity coursing through him.

Hailey’s breath hitched as she felt his fingers take hers. She stared at their hands together for a moment before meeting his eyes again. Emotion was catching up to her, faster now on the heels of him taking her hand, holding it, and her closing her fingers around his in return.

“Jay,” she breathed. “I thought I knew how to say this—“

“Just say it Hailey.” A small smile was on his face. He knew where she was going and he was along for the ride. Fully in. Riding shotgun.

Looking at him she found strength in his eyes, and easily and all of sudden, the struggle was gone. Whatever happened in the next moment, she felt, she knew, that he’d have her back. Remain her friend. Even if he didn’t feel the same way, he wouldn’t judge her for her feelings.

For all of her worrying and trying to find the right way to say the words they ended up just slipping out. “I love you Jay.”

Jay’s eyes didn’t leave hers. She watched him for some kind of reaction but he had none that she could read. “Can you say something here?” she huffed, desperately trying to keep things light as much as she could.

He continued to just look at her, her hand still in his. Then she felt it and looked to her hand. His thumb was grazing against her skin, leaving warmth at each pass as it moved back and forth. Suddenly he was standing and pulling her gently up to stand in front of him.

“Say something?” he repeated quietly. His face was so solemn, so open, so peaceful. So…happy? “Something like I’m so glad you’re back? Like it killed me not having you around? Something like how much I missed you when you were gone and how glad I am that I’m your partner and that you’re mine?” He shuffled his feet a bit to stand closer to her as he tightened his grip on her hand, bringing it up to his chest. “Something like… I love you too Hailey,” he said lowly, and smiled at her, a new smile, one tinged with want. “And—I’m gonna kiss you now…because if I have to wait any longer… …”

Her pupils were wide. “Don’t wait,” she whispered, shaking her head slightly.

He dipped his head down while his free hand took her chin and lifted it up, granting him easier access to her lips.

She parted hers to him and then he was kissing her tentatively, then hungrily, his hand leaving hers and using both to hold her either side of her face as Hailey’s fisted his shirt at his chest before snaking her arms around him.

When they finally parted it was only to breathe and, for both of them, to temper the want and need that was threatening to boil over just from the kisses they’d shared.

Jay pulled back from her just slightly and smiled down at her. “Definitely worth it.”

She blushed and smiled up at him. “Worth what?”

“The wait. I’ve wanted to do that, so many times, for a long time.” His hand stroked the back of her head, smoothing her hair.

“Hm,” Hailey smiled, and sighed contentedly, savoring this sort of happiness as the brand new sensation ran through her. She’d opened the door, kicked it open really. And now that it was, there were new questions, new choices to be made. How far through it did they go? Did they bust through like on a raid, sneak through a foot at a time, or leave it ajar and wait to see what happened.

This time it was her turn to pull back a bit. Gently she tugged Jay back down to the couch, this time sitting right beside him with her legs tucked under her, her head against his shoulder.

Jay felt the warmth of her body attach itself to his and wrapped an arm around her to hold her there. For as nervous as he’d ever been to voice his own feelings, to actually get to this place with her, it was nothing like he’d thought it might be. It was better. Easy. It all felt right and natural. He kissed the top of her head, relishing in the freedom to do so.

“I don’t know if it really took you going to New York or all the other things we’ve gone through to get here,” he looked pointedly at her. “But if it took doing it all to get right here, then that’s all good with me.”

She gave him a closed grin. “Yeah?”

“Hell yeah,” he breathed, moving closer to kiss her again.

This time it was Hailey cupping his face while she turned and sat on her knees, leaning in to the kisses.

“You’re thinking too much,” he pulled back, scrutinizing her. “Can we just enjoy this for a few minutes before your brain starts making noise?”

She swatted at him playfully. He knew her so well. “I told you—I want this.” She began seriously. “But in all honesty, I don’t know how to—and that scares me. With you.… I’ve done the workplace romance thing, and you’ve done the workplace romance thing,” she pointed at him. “Pretty easy to figure out they don’t work so well.”

Jay licked his lips, thinking over his response, looking at her thoughtfully. “I say, we don’t worry about it right now. We just…try it out.” he trailed off, ghosting a finger down the bare skin of her arm.

Not having to think about it, to just live in it right now, sounded amazing to her. She found herself wishing these sorts of answers would occur to her naturally. She smiled in response. “I can work with that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she confirmed, as a thought occurred to her. “Besides, we’re not at work tonight.” She moved forward and climbed up on his lap, facing him and straddling his legs. “And we’re not at work tomorrow.”

He chuckled, lowly. “So, you’re saying we’re just 2 people who right now aren’t even working together…” he got her meaning. She rolled her hips against his.

“Exactly," she smirked. She leaned down to kiss him, her palms flat against his chest.

“You sure about this?”

“No.” It was true. “But I want it.” She wasn’t sure if what they wanted was worth ruining what they had, that they already knew was so good and worked so well. But on the chance that it could be more, could be whole, she was willing to take the gamble.

He smirked. “Good enough.”

She ground in to him and Jay thought he might pass out from the friction. That wasn’t going to happen. He leaned forward a bit and flipped her so she was laying face up under him. He stayed above her as his eyes traveled the length of her body, her eyes on him the entire time. His hands went to her ankles and dragged slowly upward, enjoying even these first touches of her body. By the time he was at her stomach his fingers trailing under her shirt she was beginning to squirm.

“ _Jay_ ” She was impatient.

His eyes went up to hers and realized their position. The couch wasn’t gonna cut it. Not for this. Not for their first time together.

“Where’s your bedroom?” he asked, his voice husky.

A slow smile crept across her face as she sat up and pulled him toward the staircase at the front of the house.

By the time they were through the kitchen and in to the dining room Jay could see the stairs in front of Hailey. “Too far” he grunted, grabbing her back to him and pushing her against the wall. She leaned her head backward, as Jay’s lips trailed heat and wetness down her neck and across her collarbone.

Hailey heard the low involuntary moan escape her, and her hands went to the hem of his shirt, pulling upward. They were only separated for a millisecond, the amount of time it took for her to pull the shirt up over his head and drop it to the floor, then his lips were crashing back against hers. She ran her hands flat against his chest, feeling the muscles beneath his skin, the slight rise of the scars from on the job injuries, the planes and angles where the tautness gave way to smoother skin. Her hands wrapped around his back and went to work exploring there too.

Hailey’s head was swimming and despite Jay holding her against the wall she felt like her legs might give out at any moment. While nipping along his jawline she murmured, “Upstairs. NOW,” stopping to take his hand and lead him up the stairs.

Jay scrubbed at his face with his free hand, having trouble thinking clearly as he followed the short distance. Hailey had been gone for weeks, was only back for hours, and now stood in the doorway of her bedroom removing her t shirt for him, and tossing it behind her. In the past hour everything had changed between them and was about to change even more.

Looking at her now, standing in front of him wearing only a pair of sweatpants and satin bra. Whatever clarity he’d been holding on to snapped away as he stepped to her and ran his hands up and down her sides. He bent to kiss her while his hands traveled around to her back then south, dipping beneath the elastic of her pants as he cupped her ass. After a moment he yanked upwards and lifted her as though she weighed nothing.

Her legs went around him, grinding into him as he walked toward her bed and depositing her, not so gently, on top. She scooted backward a bit, smiling wantonly at him as he moved forward over her. In a fast move he pulled down and tossed the sweats and eyed her lithe figure. “God, I love your body.” He whispered.

“Seems a little unfair here. I’m barely dressed and you’re still in your jeans.”

He chuckled a bit and stood up on his knees. Hailey took the opportunity to undo his belt, then did the same for the button fly and zipper of his jean. He was kicking out of them and they landed with a thud on her floor.

Hailey bit her lower lip and reached behind her, intending to unclasp her bra.

“Let me” he said, his voice low. He was over her, mouth at her neck while her rolled her so that she was above him. His hands went to her back and within seconds her bra was on the floor with his jeans.

Hailey smirked at him. “Impressive.”

He smirked back. “I could say the same…” he smart-assed as he eyed her.

The rest of the night was spent in her bed, not sleeping. 

In the pre-dawn hours while Hailey lay with her head on Jay's chest and he in turn traced lines up and down her back, she found herself hoping that the complete feeling she felt wasn't a one time thing. Having felt it, she couldn't imagine living without it. She felt whole, something she'd never felt before, hadn't really even thought possible.

"Again?" she heard him say from above her.

She lifted her head and looked at him with curiosity. "I need a break," she chuckled.

He smirked and scoffed, pulling her up to his shoulder. "I meant you're overthinking again." he explained. "Besides, I'm with you. Gonna need to rehydrate soon." He kissed her head. "But what were you thinking about so hard?"

"How'd you even know?"

"Please, I could just about smell the smoke. You're grinding gears up there." He tapped her forehead. "You worried?"

"No," she told him. Then changed to "Yeah. Maybe a little." She lifted her eyes to meet his. "But probably not for the reason you think." She propped herself up on an elbow. "I was just thinking about how...good...this feels..."

"Well. I don't wanna brag..." That earned him a swat.

She continued. "I know things are gonna change. I just," she bit her lip. "I want to be able to work with it."

"Copy that." He shifted and turned, matching her position, propping himself on his elbow. He moved a tendril of severe bed headed hair behind her ear. "It might not be easy. But I bet it'll be worth it."

"Yeah?" She grinned at him.

"Yeah." He assured her, leaning it to give her a chaste kiss on the lips. "Buuut," he dragged out as he glanced toward the window. The first light of the day was beginning to change the sky from pitch dark to dark purple with lighter shades scattered around. "For now, we have the whole day to--"

"Hydrate?" she interjecting, quirking a brow.

"As needed." he retorted. "Absolutely"


End file.
